Numb…
Numb to the core of the heart…
Past the pain
Beyond the feelings,
A silent protest,
An embargo on senses.
Self-defense,
Self-preservation,
Perhaps the sole refuge…
Tired bones
Weary senses
Seek the sanctuary of
Silence.
She just rests there
Eyes closed
Torn clothes,
Not begging,
Not asking,
Not beseeching company
Not pleading sympathy.
Just hidden in her rags
The grimy platform forgotten
The relentless sun ignored.
She sleeps on,
Or at least pretends to
She is past caring about the world.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Friendship and nostalgia....
Yesterday I saw you all, all my friends from the past. I was walking out when I suddenly discovered a new path. The path led to a narrow lane, the lane ended at a park. The park looked familiar. It had a million memories, every corner was story. How Kiran rushed to the ATM, how Geet met Ravi, whom she hated. How Ravi could not have enough of Geet. How he cried when she left for Punjab. How Sandeep, my rakhi brother, waited with goodies from home, how I returned the courtesy. How Chabbi and I came here and chatted for eternity.
In this park Shavi and I goofed around. Here we acted like 3-year-olds much to the embarrassment of our friends.
And then I saw them all there. The ever-energetic and fun Kiran, the lovely and sweet Geet, the fun-loving and gentle Shavi. The passionate and slightly crazy Ravi. The gentlemanly Sandeep. The smiling angel- Chabbi.
And there was no end to my joy.
Then I saw others too, other friends I cherished in Delhi. Lavanya who came from behind the trees, a book in hand- so characteristic. A smile that lit up her eyes, I bet was reflected in my eyes too.
And there was Shikha, ever proper and good. With a kind word for everyone. Then came Neha, vulnerable yet strong. Who learnt from life’s lessons and built philosophies along the way. And then came Archita, in her pyjama, always mature yet ever ready to laugh. Ankita “Bhai” Sharma was there too- the prettiest tomboy I ever saw. She was combing her hair vigorously and helping her out was Teena.
Teena was dressed in a multi-colored Salwar Kurta, and looked radiant and totally happy. Nitesh was standing with Anu. “Jain-bonding”, I suppose.
Nitesh started teasing me right away and I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Anu as usual was sweet and delicate and could not bring herself to be rude to anyone.
Rahul should have been around there too. And I looked around; sure enough he was right there. A naughty smile and innocent eyes- my brother, my son, my friend. The only friend who called me “Ma”.
I smiled and joked and jumped in thrill. Then I started seeing other friends from past. Friends from Pune, friends from college, friends from school. I saw Ramya, my best friend. I had lost touch with her and God knows how long it had been since we talked. She was in a saree…and looked a little sad. “Rumsy”, I called her, “don’t you recognize me? - Its Cucksy, your friend”. Cucksy- that’s what she called me. She just stared at me. And stared. And stared. Then she finally said, “Wake up Cucksy, this is just a dream. We are friends from your past. We are a reminder that you once had friends. We may never meet anymore. Friends. Laughter. Endless talks. My dear, that stage of your life is over now.”
I couldn’t bear the truth. But they all started melting away. I tried to hold them, but like water they slipped away. And I woke up with tears in my eyes. I miss my friends. I miss the old life.
Happy Friendship Day!
PS: Are you wondering what the rant is here? I am sitting here on Friendship day, with no friends, just memories from past…
(I just noticed that this essay is very much like Charles Lamb’s “Dream Children: A Reverie”. But it is just a coincidence. I swear! He was born centuries before me to have copied my work.)
In this park Shavi and I goofed around. Here we acted like 3-year-olds much to the embarrassment of our friends.
And then I saw them all there. The ever-energetic and fun Kiran, the lovely and sweet Geet, the fun-loving and gentle Shavi. The passionate and slightly crazy Ravi. The gentlemanly Sandeep. The smiling angel- Chabbi.
And there was no end to my joy.
Then I saw others too, other friends I cherished in Delhi. Lavanya who came from behind the trees, a book in hand- so characteristic. A smile that lit up her eyes, I bet was reflected in my eyes too.
And there was Shikha, ever proper and good. With a kind word for everyone. Then came Neha, vulnerable yet strong. Who learnt from life’s lessons and built philosophies along the way. And then came Archita, in her pyjama, always mature yet ever ready to laugh. Ankita “Bhai” Sharma was there too- the prettiest tomboy I ever saw. She was combing her hair vigorously and helping her out was Teena.
Teena was dressed in a multi-colored Salwar Kurta, and looked radiant and totally happy. Nitesh was standing with Anu. “Jain-bonding”, I suppose.
Nitesh started teasing me right away and I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Anu as usual was sweet and delicate and could not bring herself to be rude to anyone.
Rahul should have been around there too. And I looked around; sure enough he was right there. A naughty smile and innocent eyes- my brother, my son, my friend. The only friend who called me “Ma”.
I smiled and joked and jumped in thrill. Then I started seeing other friends from past. Friends from Pune, friends from college, friends from school. I saw Ramya, my best friend. I had lost touch with her and God knows how long it had been since we talked. She was in a saree…and looked a little sad. “Rumsy”, I called her, “don’t you recognize me? - Its Cucksy, your friend”. Cucksy- that’s what she called me. She just stared at me. And stared. And stared. Then she finally said, “Wake up Cucksy, this is just a dream. We are friends from your past. We are a reminder that you once had friends. We may never meet anymore. Friends. Laughter. Endless talks. My dear, that stage of your life is over now.”
I couldn’t bear the truth. But they all started melting away. I tried to hold them, but like water they slipped away. And I woke up with tears in my eyes. I miss my friends. I miss the old life.
Happy Friendship Day!
PS: Are you wondering what the rant is here? I am sitting here on Friendship day, with no friends, just memories from past…
(I just noticed that this essay is very much like Charles Lamb’s “Dream Children: A Reverie”. But it is just a coincidence. I swear! He was born centuries before me to have copied my work.)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I am not a Goddess, can I swear at you now??
You know what bugs me? I mean really, REALLY bugs me, the thing that makes me feel like throwing something, or shattering a plate or spitting out in dramatic Hindi movie style? It is some men with their narrow-minded attitude to women who praise women to the heavens- but only if they fit their own (i.e. the men’s) stereotypical idea of a perfect woman else they just label the women as the “bad type”. They also equate women to the “sweetest” of things to justify the reason why women should never aspire for anything more than being a servant of man.
I guess I would have muddled a few of you up with my words, I don’t think the above heated words make any sense without a few examples of what these “typical” characters, the self-proclaimed woman-worshippers, would say:
1.“Women are like Goddesses. Indian culture praises women for the sacrifices they make. They are patience personified and this is why we worship them. A real woman sacrifices everything for the sake of her husband and family.”
Well, lovely you say, what wrong with that? This is what all these praises translate to:
A true woman should make sacrifices. Only woman should sacrifices, it is not expected of man. The woman is a Goddess, the man is just man so he can have failing but not the woman. But even though he is he is not a God, the woman should treat him like one because this is exactly what makes her great. She is the patient one, not the man so he can lose his temper, even beat her but the woman is the all-forgiving patient one, so she should put up with everything. Because a true virtue of women lies in showing how much she can tolerate.
2. “Women are like flowers. They are delicate and sweet and spread their fragrance everywhere”
Translation: Women are delicate. They are like flowers and hence they should be protected like flowers. They should not be exposed to the dirty world out there. They can be crushed easily, they do not realize how fragile they are and hence they should always lead a sheltered life. They are fragrant like flowers and when exposed to the harsh world they will lose that fragrance. A man can of course be exposed to such a world, but a delicate woman? No way!
3. “A woman is equal to a man in all ways. While man is action-oriented, woman is emotion-oriented. Man is rough, the breadwinner, while the gentle women are the nurturers.”
Translation: Women are emotional wrecks who should not be allowed to take decisions. Women must nurture! They should not aspire to be breadwinners and even if they do, they should not forget their role as nurturers. Men should NOT be nurturers, that job is best left to man.
4. “Women are really kind creatures who love to pamper their man”
Translation: I am a man and I am here to be pampered. It is a woman’s duty to pamper me. She should not expect any pampering because she is not a man and she is supposed to be the sacrificing type…
5. “Women are like angels in the house, gentle and soft-spoken”
Translation: Women should always keep mum. They should not speak up, they should not raise their voice, they, like the saying goes, are to be seen not heard.
6. “Nobody knows the baby better than a mother. A mother can understand it and she is the best person to take care of the baby”
Translation: I refuse to understand babies as I am a man and I can get away with it. Mother is the only person who should take care of the babies. Fathers can pet and play but when the baby needs to be cleaned and fed, mothers should step in.
7. “Nobody can be as systematic and careful as a women. I am just too clumsy and helpless without a woman”
Translation: I am lazy and I refuse to work. You are the woman and if I praise you, you will do the work. As a woman you cannot be clumsy as clumsiness, while endearing in a man, is a terrible flaw in a woman.
Those are just a few….this and MANY such praises I am happy without. These things always make me want to say, “I don’t want to be a goddess, or a flower, or an angel, or a forced nurturer. Could I just be me, please?” But I guess that would make me a bitch…
Got any such “sugar-coated” statements that irk you? Do let me know…
I guess I would have muddled a few of you up with my words, I don’t think the above heated words make any sense without a few examples of what these “typical” characters, the self-proclaimed woman-worshippers, would say:
1.“Women are like Goddesses. Indian culture praises women for the sacrifices they make. They are patience personified and this is why we worship them. A real woman sacrifices everything for the sake of her husband and family.”
Well, lovely you say, what wrong with that? This is what all these praises translate to:
A true woman should make sacrifices. Only woman should sacrifices, it is not expected of man. The woman is a Goddess, the man is just man so he can have failing but not the woman. But even though he is he is not a God, the woman should treat him like one because this is exactly what makes her great. She is the patient one, not the man so he can lose his temper, even beat her but the woman is the all-forgiving patient one, so she should put up with everything. Because a true virtue of women lies in showing how much she can tolerate.
2. “Women are like flowers. They are delicate and sweet and spread their fragrance everywhere”
Translation: Women are delicate. They are like flowers and hence they should be protected like flowers. They should not be exposed to the dirty world out there. They can be crushed easily, they do not realize how fragile they are and hence they should always lead a sheltered life. They are fragrant like flowers and when exposed to the harsh world they will lose that fragrance. A man can of course be exposed to such a world, but a delicate woman? No way!
3. “A woman is equal to a man in all ways. While man is action-oriented, woman is emotion-oriented. Man is rough, the breadwinner, while the gentle women are the nurturers.”
Translation: Women are emotional wrecks who should not be allowed to take decisions. Women must nurture! They should not aspire to be breadwinners and even if they do, they should not forget their role as nurturers. Men should NOT be nurturers, that job is best left to man.
4. “Women are really kind creatures who love to pamper their man”
Translation: I am a man and I am here to be pampered. It is a woman’s duty to pamper me. She should not expect any pampering because she is not a man and she is supposed to be the sacrificing type…
5. “Women are like angels in the house, gentle and soft-spoken”
Translation: Women should always keep mum. They should not speak up, they should not raise their voice, they, like the saying goes, are to be seen not heard.
6. “Nobody knows the baby better than a mother. A mother can understand it and she is the best person to take care of the baby”
Translation: I refuse to understand babies as I am a man and I can get away with it. Mother is the only person who should take care of the babies. Fathers can pet and play but when the baby needs to be cleaned and fed, mothers should step in.
7. “Nobody can be as systematic and careful as a women. I am just too clumsy and helpless without a woman”
Translation: I am lazy and I refuse to work. You are the woman and if I praise you, you will do the work. As a woman you cannot be clumsy as clumsiness, while endearing in a man, is a terrible flaw in a woman.
Those are just a few….this and MANY such praises I am happy without. These things always make me want to say, “I don’t want to be a goddess, or a flower, or an angel, or a forced nurturer. Could I just be me, please?” But I guess that would make me a bitch…
Got any such “sugar-coated” statements that irk you? Do let me know…
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I love house work!!!...and swine flu, and gutters, and lizard-infested bathrooms....
Covering my head with a sheet, I think, "Not today"..."Aaaaaargh"I just don't want to get up and face another day. Then the mental images of my aging and ailing mother-in-law, toiling away on her own come to my mind. "Alright, alright, I'm getting up already!", I bark at no one in particular.
Guilt- that is the one word that gets women out of bed everyday. Don't you for one moment think that we love non-stop work, or that we are all angels waiting to serve our Gods- the men in our lives and their assorted family members. No way!
There are a few reasons why most women(yours truly included), get up from bed to face yet another day of thankless work, another day of dreadful monotony-
a. They do not want a dispute
The last time I asked my hubby to help out he acted as if I had asked him to volunteer to work for the Al Qaeda! It was as if I had said the "unsayable". I had asked him to do the worst. And, of course, if I was being unreasonable and asking him to stoop so low, he HAD to fight for his right, right? And thus would begin the most illogical, dramatic and fearsome argument you could ever imagine. "Argument" is euphemistically putting it. Another mild word for what ensues would be "nuclear explosion". So if you want a little peace-of-mind, you just resign yourself to feeding him. At least he can't shout with his mouth full!
b. They do not mind working a bit for the greater reward- time to work more!
Might sound like something stupid, but if you really know women, you should understand that women can be complex, even confused but NEVER stupid. (What about the dumb blondes, you ask- well they are the CLEVEREST of the lot, sirree-they managed to fool you, didn't they?) If a woman wants to be left alone , free to do the work she wants, she sometimes has to compromise. They do the work others want done first. Because they know that all attempts at reason will be countered with arguments of "Oh-you-are-so-selfish..."Of course the person saying this becomes selfless, just by pointing at you and labeling you selfish first! Another pet dialogue for argument is not involve oneself in the argument, just compare the woman to another woman: "My-mom-never-spoke -to my-dad-like-that..."
c. Marriage works like a barter system
They have to make compromises or else there is no way that they can expect anything, and by that I mean ANYTHING from their husbands. A wife might just ask her husband to turn down the volume of his top-of-the-line, scare-the-pants off-your-neighbors music system, just to see him turn the volume a notch up! She might try seducing him with a negligee or try discussing the really important things like her career or her loneliness- the fact that the last human being she laughed with was the Dilbert comic strip and how she cannot stand the loneliness any more. And all she will manage to get in return would be a blank stare. Or some other pearls of wisdom like "You do not care about my needs, why should I care about yours?"
d. They fancy themselves to be some kind of Florence Nightingale-meets- Mother Teresa- meets-Sati Savitri kind of a person
Now I, by no stretch of imagination, fall into this category. But there are those who feel that until they have proved their worth as the martyr supreme, their life has not been lived well. They sweat away day and night just to be recognized with the "Most selfless mother of the year" trophy. Well, of course, such an ambition is not motivated by selfishness- no way!
e. They feel guilty about seeing others toil for them
You feel strongly about dignity of women and all that but there is also this considerate streak in you which can't see others working away day-in and day-out. So every time your mothers, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers-in-law etc have to put in extra effort just so that you could prove a point to the men in your life, you end up feeling guilty. The men? They couldn't care less. What does it matter who is doing the work for them, they are getting the work done by someone, right? So, you wonder why you are fighting this purposeless battle where others suffer and give up in guilt.
Apart from these there are the "It has always been so type". Who feel that they have no right to change anything in the society. It was like this always- they are also the sort who justify casteism, racism.... Then there are yet others who work because there is work to be done. The men refuse to work, and somebody has to get the work done. They don't want to think further than that.
There you have it. THE TRUTH. Now while you ponder over it, let me go see what I can cook that requires least effort!
Guilt- that is the one word that gets women out of bed everyday. Don't you for one moment think that we love non-stop work, or that we are all angels waiting to serve our Gods- the men in our lives and their assorted family members. No way!
There are a few reasons why most women(yours truly included), get up from bed to face yet another day of thankless work, another day of dreadful monotony-
a. They do not want a dispute
The last time I asked my hubby to help out he acted as if I had asked him to volunteer to work for the Al Qaeda! It was as if I had said the "unsayable". I had asked him to do the worst. And, of course, if I was being unreasonable and asking him to stoop so low, he HAD to fight for his right, right? And thus would begin the most illogical, dramatic and fearsome argument you could ever imagine. "Argument" is euphemistically putting it. Another mild word for what ensues would be "nuclear explosion". So if you want a little peace-of-mind, you just resign yourself to feeding him. At least he can't shout with his mouth full!
b. They do not mind working a bit for the greater reward- time to work more!
Might sound like something stupid, but if you really know women, you should understand that women can be complex, even confused but NEVER stupid. (What about the dumb blondes, you ask- well they are the CLEVEREST of the lot, sirree-they managed to fool you, didn't they?) If a woman wants to be left alone , free to do the work she wants, she sometimes has to compromise. They do the work others want done first. Because they know that all attempts at reason will be countered with arguments of "Oh-you-are-so-selfish..."Of course the person saying this becomes selfless, just by pointing at you and labeling you selfish first! Another pet dialogue for argument is not involve oneself in the argument, just compare the woman to another woman: "My-mom-never-spoke -to my-dad-like-that..."
c. Marriage works like a barter system
They have to make compromises or else there is no way that they can expect anything, and by that I mean ANYTHING from their husbands. A wife might just ask her husband to turn down the volume of his top-of-the-line, scare-the-pants off-your-neighbors music system, just to see him turn the volume a notch up! She might try seducing him with a negligee or try discussing the really important things like her career or her loneliness- the fact that the last human being she laughed with was the Dilbert comic strip and how she cannot stand the loneliness any more. And all she will manage to get in return would be a blank stare. Or some other pearls of wisdom like "You do not care about my needs, why should I care about yours?"
d. They fancy themselves to be some kind of Florence Nightingale-meets- Mother Teresa- meets-Sati Savitri kind of a person
Now I, by no stretch of imagination, fall into this category. But there are those who feel that until they have proved their worth as the martyr supreme, their life has not been lived well. They sweat away day and night just to be recognized with the "Most selfless mother of the year" trophy. Well, of course, such an ambition is not motivated by selfishness- no way!
e. They feel guilty about seeing others toil for them
You feel strongly about dignity of women and all that but there is also this considerate streak in you which can't see others working away day-in and day-out. So every time your mothers, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers-in-law etc have to put in extra effort just so that you could prove a point to the men in your life, you end up feeling guilty. The men? They couldn't care less. What does it matter who is doing the work for them, they are getting the work done by someone, right? So, you wonder why you are fighting this purposeless battle where others suffer and give up in guilt.
Apart from these there are the "It has always been so type". Who feel that they have no right to change anything in the society. It was like this always- they are also the sort who justify casteism, racism.... Then there are yet others who work because there is work to be done. The men refuse to work, and somebody has to get the work done. They don't want to think further than that.
There you have it. THE TRUTH. Now while you ponder over it, let me go see what I can cook that requires least effort!
Hello, how are you? And other polite swear words...
I really hate it when people ask me how I am. I am forced to say some such polite crap like "I am doing good" or "Great, how about you". I usually like the second one better because that is my little way of taking a revenge. YAHHAAHAA!
Usually what I want to say is "F-off you m-f-er!!! Today is the worst day of my terribly terrible life. My body feels like that of a 110-yr-old, I have been throwing up all night for no reason, my hubby thinks I am just ' at it again '...." Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
But nobody wants to hear that right?
This is the worst form of "Polite abuse" there is. (Yes, there is something called Polite abuse, it is there because I just made it up, I would know if the term I just made up exists or not won't I??...So there!)
I call it polite abuse because, with that one sentence the person questioning- the questioner, makes the person answering the question- the questionee (Yup, that one bears the authentic Ida stamp too, "Henceforth there shalt be a word called questionee and it shalt refer to anyone answering a question")- remember all the miseries in there life. But it is not sufficient that they realize that they are not leading the most remarkable of lives. They then have to swallow all the bitterness that comes from remembering garbage lying in the home, the fights they are having with their spouses, the weasel of a boss that is breathing down their neck, the four- year- old who thinks objects were created to stuff it up his nose, the in-laws who taunt them about not being as great a couple as they are.....and then they have to present a charming smile on their face, wipe off the frown, look at the questioner straight in the eye and give a polite reply.
I wonder how they would feel if they asked me "how are you" next time and I said, "Do you know my sex-change operation did not go off as well as I thought it would...."I wonder what they will think about that....
There are other polite abuses I can think of too. Like when somebody says “Can I help you?" Usually such a person is a senior, most likely in the office, and the last person you will ask to help you with typing is your boss. You would be up to your neck in work and all you could say was "No, it is ok, thanks for asking..." Again, with a pleasant smile. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Hmm…well that was my rant for the day. Let me end with another polite abuse…"Hope you have a great day!"
Usually what I want to say is "F-off you m-f-er!!! Today is the worst day of my terribly terrible life. My body feels like that of a 110-yr-old, I have been throwing up all night for no reason, my hubby thinks I am just ' at it again '...." Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
But nobody wants to hear that right?
This is the worst form of "Polite abuse" there is. (Yes, there is something called Polite abuse, it is there because I just made it up, I would know if the term I just made up exists or not won't I??...So there!)
I call it polite abuse because, with that one sentence the person questioning- the questioner, makes the person answering the question- the questionee (Yup, that one bears the authentic Ida stamp too, "Henceforth there shalt be a word called questionee and it shalt refer to anyone answering a question")- remember all the miseries in there life. But it is not sufficient that they realize that they are not leading the most remarkable of lives. They then have to swallow all the bitterness that comes from remembering garbage lying in the home, the fights they are having with their spouses, the weasel of a boss that is breathing down their neck, the four- year- old who thinks objects were created to stuff it up his nose, the in-laws who taunt them about not being as great a couple as they are.....and then they have to present a charming smile on their face, wipe off the frown, look at the questioner straight in the eye and give a polite reply.
I wonder how they would feel if they asked me "how are you" next time and I said, "Do you know my sex-change operation did not go off as well as I thought it would...."I wonder what they will think about that....
There are other polite abuses I can think of too. Like when somebody says “Can I help you?" Usually such a person is a senior, most likely in the office, and the last person you will ask to help you with typing is your boss. You would be up to your neck in work and all you could say was "No, it is ok, thanks for asking..." Again, with a pleasant smile. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Hmm…well that was my rant for the day. Let me end with another polite abuse…"Hope you have a great day!"
Sorrow and depression
I do not why this depression gnaws at the very essence of my personality. I try to fight it. I try to rise above it, but somehow it overpowers me and I surrender.....Why is it that I can see no hope? Why does the word "future" hold no promise for me? Why this bleak outlook? Why am I scared to want anything anymore and why am I not content with what I have?
I know things are bad, but who isn't sad? Why am I unable to cope?
Why do I get angry so easily, why am I always irritated? Why do I hurt the ones I love, why can't I talk with conviction?
I do not have answers anymore...only questions...and tears...and pain, more pain.....
I know things are bad, but who isn't sad? Why am I unable to cope?
Why do I get angry so easily, why am I always irritated? Why do I hurt the ones I love, why can't I talk with conviction?
I do not have answers anymore...only questions...and tears...and pain, more pain.....
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